A Violent Angel
by thewarlockandtheshadowhunter
Summary: Spoilers for the season 9 finale. Cas goes back to earth, grieving over the loss of Dean, only to find the hunter missing. Now he won't stop searching until he's found him, but will he recognise the Winchester when he finds him? Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or write for the show.
1. He's Gone

Castiel looked at the angel in the cell in front of him, hatred like he'd never felt before him. "Hannah, would mind giving me a moment alone with the prisoner?" He asked, not even turning to look at the angel beside him.

"Of course, Castiel." Hannah nodded, quickly walking out of the room. The door to the cells closed with a resounding thud.

Cas moved closer to the bars of the cell, "I won't kill you, but I swear that you wish I had. Your time here will be worse than if you were in Purgatory. You _will _pay for what you've done to the angels." _And what you've done to Dean Winchester. _He didn't say the words out loud, but he knew he didn't have to.

"I'm so scared." Metatron drawled, sarcasm laced through the words. But looking into the prisoner's eyes betrayed his true fear.

"You should be." Castiel promised him, leaving the cells. He slammed the door behind him, venting out some of his frustration on the door. Without speaking or looking at anyone, he strided throught the main atrium, heading towards the private room which he supposed could be considered his office. He slammed that door too - it felt good to slam it. To get out his anger in some kind of violent, yet harmless reaction.

He sat down, putting his head in his hands. Closing his eyes was a bad idea. If he closed his eyes he could imagine, see it almost as if it were in front of him.

_Dean._

Dean, limp and lifeless. His usually bright green eyes, that had started to go dull when he'd recieved the mark, would be almost unrecognisable now in their dullness. His tanned skin would turn pale. The light sleeper would never wake up no matter how much Castiel yelled for him. No matter much he begged him, promised to make him pie or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or even go out for burgers if he got up - he would just lie their.

Castiel's shoulders started to shake and the information really started to sink in. The man he'd gripped tight and raised from perdition, the brightest soul he'd ever had the fortune to meet...he was dead.

And Cas didn't even have it in him to destroy his killer.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I'm so sorry. I just can't - I can't kill another angel." He pleaded the dead hunter to forgive him. "I will make him pay for what he did to you. Even if I don't kill him, I will do that. For you. Just like everything else. All of it. He was telling the truth for once - I rebelled and I fought and I tried for _you_." The tears flowed thicker and faster from Castiel's eyes, and it was getting hard for him to talk from sobbing. The pain reflected in his eyes was so clear, so _pure_, that it would probably make anyone who looked into them cry just because they'd seen someone suffer such pain. "And I'm sorry because I failed you. I should have been there. I could've helped, I could've done something...Why couldn't I have just been **there**?!" He almost screamed the last word, kicking the table in front of him and watching through bloodshot eyes as it tipped over, crashing to the floor with a loud and almost satisying sound that echoed around the room.

He didn't need much more encouragement to get up and trash the office, shouting as he did. "**Why couldn't I just save you? You've saved the whole planet so many times and you were only a human. I'm an angel, I should've been able to look after one hunter! It was the one thing that really mattered and I failed! I should've been with you! I shouldn't have come here with Gadreel-" **Gadreel - in his grief, he'd pushed the angel's sacrifice to the back of his mind, but now it joined the rest of his pain and he couldn't make it (make any of it) go away. "**I should've made sure you were safe! **I should've...I should've..." Cas stopped shouting, breathing heavily as he looked around at the destruction he'd caused in the room. He fell to his knees, sobbing even harder than he had been before. "I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry." He rocked back and forth slightly, finding that it helped him calm down. He chanted the words over and over again, knowing he could never say them enough.

He felt useless. He couldn't even save the hunter - the man that he loved. He finally admitted to himself the truth that he'd known for a while now. He was in love with Dean Winchester. Funny, how just as he could admit the truth it didn't matter anymore. If he brought him back to life, he'd burn out his stolen grace, which was growing weaker with each passing day, And he'd happily die for Dean, he'd would give up - had given up - everything for him. But the weak grace meant that it wasn't certain that Cas could bring him back. He would die and burn up his energy for nothing. He would've failed, _again._ That's what Cas wouldn't do. He wouldn't fail his hunter again.

Sam. Thoughts of the remaining Winchester suddenly filled Cas's mind and he realised how selfish he was being. If anyone was hurting as much as he was, it would be Sam Winchester. Without a second thought, he left the destroyed office and headed towards the portal so he could return to Earth.

Cas found Sam in Dean's room in the bunker, sobbing over an empty bed, clearly so drunk he'd be hung over for days after. It was such a Dean thing, to drink so he could forget, Cas had to look away so he could compose himself. "Sam, I'm so sorry-"

Sam jumped and looked up at him. Cas couldn't remember seeing the hunter look so lost. "He's gone." He whispered, looking back towards the bed.

"I know, and I'm sorry." Cas replied, not sure what else he could say to comfort him. "I will make Metatron pay, I swear. He will not get away with this easily."

"N-no, Cas. You don't get it. Dean's gone. Like, he'd not here. In the bunker." Sam said, not taking his eyes off the bed.

Cas frowned, tilting his head slightly in confusion. Sam was drunk, he reminded himself. He didn't know what he was saying - he must've already burned the body and in his drunken state forgotten. "Sam, I think maybe you should rest." Cas said softly.

"No!" Sam snapped back, close to shouting the word. "I left hiim _here._He loved this room, I thought-" He faltered in his sentence. "I thought he might like one more night in it. Then I went downstairs to summon Crowley to heal him-"

"You did _what?_" Now it was Cas's turn to almost yell. "You were going to make a deal? Do I have to lose you as well, in ten years when Crowley comes to collect? Why do you both have to be so reackless with your lives?"

"I wasn't going to make a deal." Sam retorted. "I was going to make him heal Dean whether he liked it or not - it's his fault he got the Mark and the Blade in the first place - but he didn't show. Then when I came back up here Dean was gone." He explained. He sounded so certain that it was almost like he wasn't drunk - the only evidence of that in fact was his flushed skin and the almost unnoticable way he was swaying.

Castiel looked towards the empty bed. He knew it was selfish, but he was glad it was empty so he wouldn't havr to see...see _him_ lying there, lifeless. Cas knew it would've been too much for him to handle. "It'll be alright, Sam. We'll find him."


	2. We Meet Again

Castiel didn't want to be a leader, but he definitely knew how to take control when he needed to.

The angels didn't like it - being ordered to use any resource to find Dean Winchester. They thought it was pointless, to look for a dead man. They thought that they should be focusing on rebuilding heaven. Castiel, however was unwaverable in his desicion. And so the angels started to search.

They spent months following any leads they thought might help them find him. The main aim was to find Crowley, in the hope that the King Of Hell would have some answers. And if he wasn't there and some other demons were nearby, Castiel would kill them. It helped him vent out his frustration. He'd try for information first, but he'd become impatient too quickly and would find himself surrounded by dead demons.

He tried to keep Sam involved, but as far away as possible. The younger Winchester was still too fragile, drinking more than he was breathing. It was Cas's unspoken promise to Dean to keep him safe that made the angel check on him everyday, make sure he'd eaten and slept. Occassionally, Cas would make food for Sam if the hunter had forgotten to eat. He helped him on cases that he was determined to do - Sam was just as violent as Cas when it came to getting rid of frustration.

Sam was safely on the other side of the state as Castiel entered the abandoned warehouse, following up another lead that would most likely turn out to be a dead end. No matter how fast the angels worked, Crowley seemed to be one step ahead of them.

Castiel pulled out his angel blade - the stench of sulfur was thick in the air as he quietly crept inside the building. He could hear voices faintly echoing through the corridors and felt the now familiar surge of adrenalin. Even if it wasn't Crowley, there would be something there to vent his frustrations on. He tightened his grip on the blade in his hand.

"Come on, squirell. Hurry up. It won't be long until your angel boy will come a knocking." Castiel had never been so pleased to hear the voice of the King Of Hell. The next words he heard however, made him stop in his tracks.

"Shut up, Crowley. I'm moving as fast as I can."

_Dean._

No, it couldn't be Dean. His mind was playing tricks on him. Dean was dead. Metatron had killed him. Sam had brought his dead body back to the bunker, laid him down for one more night in the closest thing he'd ever had to a proper home since he was 4 years old.

Castiel started moving again, hearing noises that he knew were words, but he had no idea what was being said - the words blurred together until they held no meaning. The angel stopped in the shadows, looking into the area inhabited by two men. The demon and the hunter. He felt rooted to the spot as he watched Dean, who appeared to be packing something up. He was facing away from where Castiel was standing, but he had no doubt that it was him. He seemed fine - not physically damaged at least. He moved with the same strange elegance he'd always possessed.

Crowley stopped, an irritated sigh slipping out of his mouth. "It's too late, Dean. Castiel, you can come out now!"

He hesitated before stepping out of the doorway and into the dim lights that illuminated the room. Dean had frozen, his muscles tense, still looking away from where Castiel was standing. "Hello Dean." The angel greeted softly.

"C'mon squirell. Say hello to your angel boy." Crowley said, a knowing smirk on his face that made Cas's stomach churn. He saw Dean take a deep breath before turning round.

* * *

_That son of a bitch. _

_ Why couldn't have Cas shown up ten minutes later when he and Crowley were already gone? Dean had run away for a reason._

_ He didn't want those he loved to see him like this. _

_ Not just because he knew what they would have to do - not that he cared about his own death, he would embrace it, but he knew it would tear them apart to see him die again, especially Sammy - but also because he was selfish. He didn't want Sam and Cas to hate him, to see the mistrust in their eyes when they looked into his, green for now but with black hiding just beneath the surface, _

_ "Hey Cas." Dean replied, keeping his eyes on the floor. It was easier if he didn't look at the angel. From the quick glance he'd permitted himself, he'd just been reminded of everything he'd lost. Sammy, Cas, his soul...Castiel's burned so bright before him, like the sun at midday. He was surprised that the angel didn't burn from the inside out._

* * *

Castiel wanted to throw all caution to the wind and run at Dean, fling his arms around him and hold him. Cry into his shoulder and tell him if he ever worried him so much again he'd personally kill him. The desire was so strong it scared the angel, but he didn't do it. He was frozen, finding himself in this strange nightmare that he wanted to get out of.

Dean was in front of him. _His _Dean with a soul so bright that even some angels would have to look away. That was still there. His eyes were still the same, the kind of green you only hear about in stories. But underneath...Underneath was dark and twisted and...

Demon.

Castiel ran and tackled Crowley to the ground. "**What have you done?! I knew we never should have trusted you! Change him back, you son of a bitch. Change him back right now!" **Cas started punching Crowley, his ferocity surprising them both. "**He never would've want this - he would've rather died! How - could - you?**" He kept punching, the King Of Hell doing nothing to stop him. Castiel didn't know if it was just shock that had stopped him from retaliating, or maybe guilt that had been left over from when he was almost human. Maybe it was both, not that he really cared.

* * *

_Dean stood in shock as Cas flew at Crowley, both of them toppling over onto the ground. There had been a look on his face that Dean had never seen there before. Not even when he'd almost said yes to Michael, or when Cas thought he was God or was taken over by Leviathans. Not even when Cas had tried to kill him under Naomi's orders._

_ Pure, unadultered rage. _

_ He watched as Cas punched and screamed, knowing he should probably stop him. He gently used his new powers to pull Cas away. He didn't want to touch him - Dean was a thing. A monster. Even though it broke his heart to see Cas standing there, looking so lost and broken, he stayed in place rather than go to him like he would've before. He wasn't the same Dean anymore. It was a truth he was going to have to get used to. He couldn't protect his little brother like he used to, or let himself imagine a normal life, or comfort Cas. _

_ The things he wanted so much, were the things he could no longer have._


	3. Don't Leave Me - Not Again

Cas's eyes widened in surprise as he was pulled away from Crowley, without a hand touching him. He tried to run at the King of Hell again, but found his way blocked by a wall he couldn't see. He stopped, his face still flushed with anger and a pain spreading through his fists that was easy to ignore. He didn't care if he broke every bone in his hands, he'd keep punching Crowley as soon as he could get past that wall.

This wasn't happening. It couldn't be. But as he turned to look at Dean again, he knew his eyes weren't deceiving him. He could see it. His soul was a bright as ever, but the demon part was still present, an approaching shadow that swirled around the edges of the light, struggling to find an entrance. Cas didn't know why the demon aspect hadn't taken over his soul yet - Dean appeared to be a lot stronger than anyone could comprehend, a lot more than Cas had ever given him credit for and his soul was fighting and winning against the demon trying to take him over. Once again, he found himself in awe of Dean Winchester. Most people would've lost by now and be completely demon, their previous life and personality practically erased to make way for the new creature within.

The Knight of Hell - it actually pained Cas to think of Dean like that, he was a hunter not a creature of Hell - wouldn't even look at him, his eyes darting everywhere and anywhere that wasn't the angel. Cas wished he would just look at him and realise how little he cared about his new situation. He was still Dean, whether his eyes were green or black.

* * *

_Dean made sure not to look at Cas. He hated the surge of power he felt when he used his powers, the rush of exhileration. It just served as a reminder of how different he was now. Maybe this is what Sam had felt like. when he'd been bursting to the seams with demon blood? He understood now, more than he ever had, how easy it would be to get addicted to the feeling, to the power._

_ He could feel Cas's gaze on him, but he resisted the urge to look into the bright blue eyes that were so familiar to him. He couldn't. They would probably look the same way they had when he had first met Castiel - guarded and wary, not ready to trust the thing in front of him. _

_ From the corner of his eyes, he could see Crowley getting to his feet. His face was bloody, although he knew any wounds caused by Cas would heal quickly. The King of Hell surprisingly didn't even look fazed after being tackled to the floor and beaten. Then again, he was a douchebag, it probably happened to him on a regular basis. "Got quite a temper on you, giraffe." Crowley commented gruffly, straightening his suit jacket. Dean rolled his eyes - what was the deal with giving everyone an animal nickname? It was incredibly irritating - more so now that had to deal with all of Crowley's strange little quirks now on a much more permanent basis. He didn't have to look at Cas to know the glare that he would be directing towards the King of Hell. _

_ "Crowley, we should get moving." Dean said finally, speaking for the first time since Cas had thrown himself at Crowley._

* * *

"No!" Castiel cried out, surprising everyone in the room with the volume and determination in his outburst. Crowley surveyed him curiously, although Dean kept his gaze fixed on the demon in front of him. He had stayed silent since Dean had moved him away from Crowley, but at the thought of him leaving again..."Dean, you can't." Even as he spoke, the new demon refused to look at him. "You can't leave." He tried to stop his voice from trembling. "Sam needs you." _I need you_, he thought, although he didn't say the words out loud. He knew that mentioning Sam was a little unfair, but it was the only thing he could think of that would get Dean to stop.

The statement seemed to startle Dean, making him finally look at Cas. "How is he?" He asked, his voice controlled to such an extent that it was only years of friendship which alerted Cas how close to breaking point Dean really was.

"He's drinking a lot more alcohol than is good for him." He admitted. "He misses you. He does cases sometimes, but...like I said, he drinks more than is good for him." He said softly.

* * *

_Out of all of my good traits Sammy, you had to pick my drinking to copy and make your own, Dean thought bitterly. If anything the new information only proved that Dean was better staying away from his brother. Even as a human he had been a terrible influence, he didn't want to think what he could do if he was a demon. He didn't even know how much longer he had until he lost whatever shreds of humanity he still possessed. Satying away from Sam was the only option._

_ "Crowley, we should go." He repeated quietly, ignoring Cas's stare as he turned back to his...his boss. He thought the word with distaste. Crowley was never supposed to be his boss - Dean was supposed to have skewered him with the demon knife years ago. But he hadn't. _

_ It made Dean wonder what he had done that was so bad in a past life._

_ "Dean, please!" He clenched his jaw, his eyes stinging with tears as he heard Cas begging again. "Don't leave! We need you! Please..." The use of the 'we' surprised him, almost enough to make him turn to Castiel again, but he caught himself just in time. He heard a quiet thud and he could only assume that a now hopeless Cas had fallen to his knees. He could imagine the scene perfectly without even turning round. His angel, desperate and pleading and...God, Dean just wanted to drown himself in booze and get the crying over with._

_ "He can't know." He said suddenly. "Don't tell Sam that...that I'm this. Please. Promise me, Cas." He turned round to Castiel, even if he didn't want to. It was the only way he'd know if the angel was lying. He always knew when he was lying, even if Dean didn't know how he knew and pretended not to know, he always did._

* * *

Cas looked up at the ex hunter, his currently green eyes brimming with tears, but still fierce and determined. "I won't tell him." He promised softly. He doubted Sam would remember even if he did tell him, or believe him in the first place. Castiel never would've believed it if he hadn't found the two demons - the thought made him want to wince - at the warehouse. This wasn't fair! He hadn't spent this long searching, only for Dean to leave him again. Cas felt a tear slip down his cheek, but he didn't look away even as he started silently crying. He didn't care that he was displaying weakness. Even the thought of crying, never mind crying in front of others, would've repulsed him before he met Dean, before he was taught the power of human emotions...But now he saw no reason so hide how he felt. He couldn't be hurt much more than he already had been.

In the end, it was Dean who looked away first. "Thank you." He murmured, walking over to Crowley. Reluctance was clear in every step, but Cas didn't know if that was reluctance of leaving him or having to go with Crowley. Both were completely plausible. Knowing Dean, he'd probably argue with Crowley every chance he got. It's not like the other demon could do much about it - Dean was stronger, a Knight with the Mark...

* * *

_Dean didn't allow himself any more glances. He'd broken his angel to extremes he'd never thought possible. He'd made him so human...if it weren't for him Cas would be with the other angels right now. Maybe it would've been better that way, even if they were all just dicks with wings and daddy issues. _

_ He picked up their supply bag and before Dean could entertain the thought of looking at Cas one more time, they were gone._


	4. Haunting My Dreams

My friend read this chapter and said I was a very mean person...

* * *

Cas stared at the space Dean had just been occupying, as if staring at it would make him come back. He needed him to come back. Tears were still streaming down Cas's cheeks and he quickly wiped them away with the sleeve of his trench coat, the beige material darkening where the salty water touched it. He quietly sniffed as he finally stood up, trying to hold back the other tears that wanted to fall. He had to go - he had to make sure Sam was okay. When he had left, the youngest Winchester had been doing research for a case. He couldn't remember what Sam's theory had been, or the details of the case, or if Sam had given him any information to remember. Although, Cas knew that when he got back Sam would be too drunk to stand, whether he remembered the details of what the hunter was doing or not.

He took a deep breath, the slowly fading stench of sulfur invading his lungs. He turned to walk out of the warehouse, pausing only to pick up his angel blade, which he had dropped when he had tackled Crowley. The short walk outside helped him calm down and he stopped crying as he left the building.

Steeling himself for the weak feeling he was about to experience, he teleported to the motel room where he had left Sam a few hours before. As he'd known he would, he felt dizzy and nauseous and had to support himself on the nearby wall. Bringing a shaky hand up to his nose, he pulled it away again to see the back of his hand smeared with blood. He let the wall support most of his weight, taking deep breaths. His weakening grace was starting to become a serious problem. He wiped away the rest of the blood - thankfully there wasn't much. Not yet anyway.

He frowned, wondering why there hadn't been a sound of surprise as he had appeared in the room. "Sam?" He asked softly, turning round to see the youngest Winchester lying stomach down on his bed, softly snoring. Cas tilted his head slightly, assessing the state he was in. He looked peaceful - it was only when he was asleep the Sam could really relax. Cas's eyes caught sight of an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels. He glared at it, still swaying slightly as he did.

Sleep. He had to sleep. What was once a completely unnecessary task was now one of the many things Cas depended on for survival. Unlike before, his grace couldn't carry him through days and nights without needing time to rest. Now he felt like he spent most of his time just resting, trying to prolong the life of his stolen grace.

Cas shrugged off his old and worn trench coat, flinging the battered article of clothing over the back of a nearby chair. He sat down on the edge of his bed and slipped off his shoes and tie before crawling under the covers of his bed. He curled up into a ball, closing his eyes. He felt so tired and useless. And now he was going to have to lie to Sam. He sighed, trying not to think about it - about Dean, about anything that had happened in the warehouse. He'd never get to sleep if he did.

"Dean, I don't want to!" Cas was crying, unashamed of the tears as he gazed pleadingly at the man he loved. He would always be a man, never a demon in Cas's eyes. "Please don't make me!"

The other's eyes shone black as he looked at Cas, the face devoid of hope or any light that it had once held. "It's the only way." He said simply, reaching out to guide Cas's hand to his chest. So that the knife that was in the angel's white knuckle grip was hovering just over his heart. "Please, I need you to do this."

"I can't. I can't..." Castiel could barely breathe, quickly shaking his head in refusal. In the past he'd easily killed demon and angel and human alike. And they had been less eager to greet death than Dean was. But now, Cas was frozen in fear and terror as he was faced with the task of killing Dean. Again. How could Dean expect him to do this, when Cas couldn't even kill him when brain washed by an angel who made it seem like killing Dean was the best and only option?

"**No, Dean stop!**" Castiel was yelling now, stuggling to pull his hand back as he felt Dean pushing it forward, the tip of his blade starting to pierce the skin. "**Dean-**"

"**No!**" Cas sat bolt right up, sweating and breathing hard, blue eyes wide. He stared unseeingly at the space in front of him, momentarily reliving the nightmare.

After a few minutes, he finally calmed down and looked over at Sam. He was still fast asleep, appearing to not have moved an inch since the angel had went to bed. He kept his gaze on the sleeping hunter for a few moments longer before turning away to look at the clock. He glowered at it, as he realised he had only slept a few hours, barely enough to keep him going for long. He lay back down, knowing he had to sleep longer, but not wanting to greet the new nightmare again. He tried to figure out if it was better or worse than the last one.

Reluctantly, he started to think about the old nightmare, the pictures flowing easily into his memory as if they were a movie that he had watched many times before. Dean, safe and alive and well in front of him, smiling like he had before. It was a smile that Castiel hadn't seen in a long time - the smile that Dean had used before Sam had fallen into Lucifer's cage. Cas running to him, the distance between them only seeiming to lengthen as he ran. Finally reaching him, but seeing that it was no longer his Dean in front of him. This Dean had dull green eyes rather than the bright ones Cas was accustomed to, he was thin and paler than the angel had ever seen him. Slowly, before his very eyes. Dean would start to decay in front of his very eyes, becoming nothing more than a skeleton. Helplessly, Cas would watch as the hunter disintegrated into ash and then nothing.

Cas could feel the tears sliding down either side of his face, racing to reach his ears as he lay back and stared up at the ceiling, doing nothing to stop either of them in their tracks.


	5. I'll Find You Again

Cas groaned softly, slowly blinking awake. He frowned up at the ceiling, not remembering falling asleep again after his nightmare. He could feel the dried tears on his face as he slowly sat up, stretching out his stiff limbs. He looked over at Sam, seeing the hunter was still in a drunken sleep.

He slipped out of bed, trudging towards the small, grubby bathroom. Money was tighter than it ever had been before - the motel rooms they were renting out now, made the old ones look like five star hotels. He softly closed the door behind him, so that the noise would not wake Sam. Although, he had a feeling that he could slam the door and Sam would not wake up. He was a deep sleeper at the best of times - a trait that Cas did not think would work very well for someone with such a dangerous life - and it only got worse when he was drunk.

With a tired sigh he turned to the cracked mirror, grimacing at the sight that greeted him. He had never cared about his looks, since they technically were not his in the first place. The form that everyone around him saw was merely a vessel. Although, even in his true form, he did not care about looks - at one time he had been more powerful than many angels could even attempt to comprehend, what did his appearance matter? But now, he had to admit that he was not looking good. His eyes were bloodshot, the circles underneath them dark. There were many lines on his face that had not been there before, and his skin seemed pale, his face gaunt.

His vessel was easily containing his grace, that was not the problem. There were no peeling back bits of skin and visible red tissue that were the result of too much power in a vessel. It was the grace within him was not his in the first place - it was not powerful enough to sustain his true form and was in fact poisoning him. In simple terms he was dying from the inside out. He had no idea how much longer he could last. The grace had been like an energy boost, and he needed a new one if he were to survive.

Cas stared at himself, wondering if he could do it again. Steal another angel's grace to keep himself alive. He knew there were few angels who would be willing to let that happen to them. In theory, he could take Metatron's as punishment for his crimes. It did not take long for him to come up with an answer.

No. No, he could not do it again. That had been a one time thing, in a moment of utter desperation. Now Castiel knew he was dying, he could come to terms with it easier. There was no way to fix this, only ways to delay the inevitable.

He splashed his face with cold water, reducing the redness of his eyes and washing away the dried tears. He kept looking at himself in the mirror - he was dying, yet it looked as if all he needed was a long sleep and he'd be fine again, along with a big meal. He frowned at himseld, realising that the only thing he could feel was guilt for leaving the Winchesters behind.

The edges of his lips quirked up slightly. Winchesters. Plural. Dean was alive, whether he was a demon or not. Cas would find him again, hopefully when he was alone and convince him to come back. He would stop at nothing next time. Dean was going to come back and they were going to give him his humanity back. They could get through this, just like they'd gotten through everything else.

He heard Sam grumbling in the next room and realised the hunter must have woken up. Cas stepped out of the bathroom to see him sitting up on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands. He groaned and Cas knew he was once again victim to a killer hangover. Without saying anything he walked over to their supply bag and pulled out a small bottle of painkillers, going to place it next to Sam.

"Thanks." Sam mumbled, waiting for a few moments before sitting up straighter and picking up the painkillers, tipping two out onto his massive hands before swallowing them back without any water. "Did you find anything last night?" He asked, squinting up at Cas.

Cas surveyed the younger Winchester for a few moments. He looked almost as bad as he did, although without the excuse of dying. And now there was always the lingering smell of alcohol around him. Maybe it would be better for him to just tell the truth, maybe it would help Sam to quit drinking.

Maybe it would just make things worse.

"Nothing. Just a couple of demons who didn't know anything useful." He lied, the words coming out so easily it was like they were true.

Sam nodded, his shoulders slumping. It almost made Cas feel guilty, that the lie had made him once again feel hopeless, but he knew that ultimately it was for the best. Telling Sam that his brother was a demon was not going to help him. "I'll, uh, do some more research today." Sam said finally, trying to sound upbeat. Cas wondered how long it would be before he gave in and started drinking.

"Alright. I'll do some more searching," he nodded, pleased with the plan. It would give him the time he needed to figure out a way to convince Dean to come back to them. He just had to make Dean understand that he didn't care that he was a demon. That Sam wouldn't either. Then he'd come back and they could fix everything. It would be like it was before, back when everything worked like it should and they worked as a team, rather than hiding things from each other.

Cas knew it sounded like a childish dream, but he was determined to make it a reality before he died. He'd get some time with Dean, his Dean, before he died. Maybe he'd even tell him the truth about his feelings, it wasn't as if he had much left to lose.

"Goodbye, Sam," he murmured, still deep in thought as he went to leave the motel. He'd have to wander around for a while before the angels could give him Dean's new location. Maybe if he was feeling up to it, he could go back to the warehouse and look for some more clues there. Not that Sam really noticed the distracted tone in the angel's voice - the younger Winchester simply waved Cas away, muttering a quick 'see you later'.


End file.
